A new life

A lot has happened since my last post. But then again, it's been a very long time since I last posted. Shortly after my last post, I found out I was pregnant again. It was quite a shock. It took a while to accept that another baby will be on its way, but after a while, I was actually excited about it and glad that it happened the way it did - by surprise and not by choice. I thought about documenting my feelings about being pregnant again along the way, but I just never felt compelled enough to take the time to do it. Ever since securing a babysitter, I stopped feeling hopeless.

The babysitter began last October and came twice a week for 4 hours each. Boy were those 4 hours glorious. Then, in the Spring we moved. The babysitter came with us and actually lived with us for the summer. That was beyond amazing. Then, baby #2 came along and I fell in love. I guess this is the love that normal moms feel when they have a baby. I just never felt it with baby #1. I can't explain this mushy lovey dovey yummy feeling I have with baby #2. I think I'm just more able to love a baby since I'm already broken in with motherhood and all, but even to this day, all that emotional baggage with #1 just prevents me from having a real deep emotional bond with her. #1 is a total daddy's girl and daddy can have her because baby #2 is going to be a mommy's girl.

After the move, we had a bit of a bad spell with #1. First she slipped in the tub and cut her chin which required a trip to the ER for 5 stitches. Then two weeks later, she fell at the mall and broke her collar bone. Luckily, it was a minor fracture which healed up in about a month.

The babysitter's last day is Thursday and I'm only minorly freaking out. A new babysitter is starting on Tuesday and although she's only working 25 hours a week, it won't be so bad because baby #1 will be in school 3 afternoons a week.

Anyway, I was surprised to see how many people still check in on this blog. I'll try to keep it up, but I just started a new blog dedicated to shopping.

hello stranger

it's been quite some time since i last posted. haven't really had anything pressing to get off my chest. the last few weeks have been generally ho hum. i did finally get a babysitter. she started at the beginning of september and comes two afternoons a week. having her has truly changed my life. i don't know how i managed without her. actually, i barely survived without her.

anyway, i've always questioned the whole point of having kids. it's such hard work and not really that much fun either. but, now that baby is 18 months old and becoming more of a person each day, i'm slowly beginning to see the light and can kind of appreciate raising a child. for example, our neighbor's son who's baby's age was visiting the other night and is really afraid of dogs. every time our dog would get close to him, he'd fuss and jump in my lap. i'd tell our dog to shoo and go sit somewhere else. somehow, baby understood his fear and put her hand on the boy's shoulder and also patted his head. then she'd run over to the dog and pet her and was trying to show her friend that the dog was nice and there was nothing to be afraid of. then she'd come back over to her friend and give him a hug. i was pretty blown away by this behavior. she really showed compassion and and empathy. having never seen an example of such behavior, it is just a display of a pure heart. i guess that is one of the benefits of having kids. being able to experience a pure heart. an untarnished soul. sure, kids can be mischievous, but never malicious.

even this morning, while walking home through our neighborhood after breakfast, the pure joy and wonder on her face looking at every little thing along the way just makes you want to freeze time and somehow capture it in a box that you can save forever. it sounds so cheesy, but the pure innocence doesn't last forever. i guess it's a little wake up call for me to start savoring these moments.

i've taken a break from posting my purchases because my excessive spending is a little bit embarrassing. i've done some pretty heavy duty shopping since my last post. i'll bring you up to speed:

all from mulberry road by weekend a la mer:
this dress $68, turtleneck $34, top $48, and two pairs of leggings $24 each all coordinating



these shoes from lester harrys by naturino $54:


from dress boston $85


from anthropologie
top $58 skirt $88 and stripe skirt $98

from camper $140:

from Patagonia for baby $99:

from baby gap


from zara
dress $35 shirt $26

velour pants $13

corduroys $20

sweatpants $11

finally this coat for my sister in law's 30th birthday present from burberry $595:


that's about all i can recall for now...

omg

omg. my blood pressure was so high today i literally could see it and all i could do was just take deep breaths. i don't know why i got off on the wrong foot this morning, i just did. and baby was just her normal self, not particularly fussy or difficult. it got really bad when i misjudged her nap time. even though i knew it was my own fault for the situation i was in, i was still fuming. basically baby woke up a little later, so she wasn't tired when her usual nap time rolled around. i was so ready for her to go to sleep, but she absolutely refused. after trying to nurse her down for 30 minutes, i gave up and just decided to lay in bed and pretended to sleep while she figured out what she wanted to do. this lasted an hour. after her flopping around on the bed and crying for at least half the time, i decided to get up and get on with the day. boy did i have a terrible scowl on my face.

it's days like today when i really have to stop and ask myself, why do i get so mad? what is so important that i have to do that's making me feel like i'm going to bash my own head in when baby decides to change up the schedule? i guess looking forward to a little break and just zoning out, but so what if i don't get to stare into space every day at the same time? my sister in law is a pediatric oncologist that specializes in brain tumors. she deals with tragic cases on a daily basis. whenever i feel like i'm going postal, i just need to stop and thank God that my biggest worry is whether or not baby feels like napping. i don't know what i'd do if she was one of my sis in law's patients wondering how much more time they even have.

time flies

we were at the beach for the holiday and came back early to avoid the big storm. shortly after we got back home, the rest of the family decided to come over and stay on the mainland until the storm passed. it was really great having everyone around on our home turf and i don't know what got into me, but as i was watching baby walk down the street on the way to the playground like a big girl, i got all teary eyed and sad about how fast she's growing up. just over the past couple of weeks, she's changed so much. she's really coming out of her shell and just seems like before we know it, she'll be talking and going off to school. i don't know why it made me so sad. i think it was because it seemed like only a week ago, she just started walking and we were so thrilled about her walking down the street on her little wobbly legs. all this sentimentality over baby growing up makes me wonder if i'd be ok having another baby. i wonder if i'd be just as unhappy as i was the first time around or if i'd be better since i'd know what to expect. it definitely wouldn't be easier having a second because you still have the first to deal with, but i just don't know. as much as i've been dying for baby to finally stop being a baby, there's something so special about little babies. maybe i'm just temporarily insane right now. i can't believe what i'm saying. maybe i've finally fallen and can't get up.

just breathe...

after a really rough night of baby flip-flopping all over the bed and crying for an hour and a half from 3-5am, i was in a super cranky mood today. literally, the smallest thing set me off. just when i was feeling so desperate for a little relief, a weird thought came to my head. i have an 'allergy' to alcohol and get severely ill anytime i consume it. my thought was that God made me this way because otherwise, motherhood would turn me into an alcoholic. seriously, if it not were for the damn intolerance, i could totally see myself swigging a shot of something just to take the edge off. i used to smoke cigarettes to help with stress. the buzz is just right and is very relaxing. sadly, i don't smoke anymore and probably never will again. my sinuses just can't handle it. just before i quit, i got severely ill and it took 3 weeks for me to recover. i was absolutely miserable and if it not were for the stupid cigarettes, my sinuses wouldn't have gotten so infected. after that incident, i haven't really smoked again. just the thought of them kind of make me gag.

anyway, i haven't had a bad day like this in a while. maybe it's a little bit of withdrawal from my mom being here. i had it so good when she was here. i just need to hang in there for a few more days. my sister in law is coming up sometime next week and we're all heading to the beach next friday.

deep doo-doo

over the past two weeks, i've gotten into a whole mess of trouble. with all the shopping i've been doing online and at my favorite stores in town, i've really gone overboard.

it's no secret that i'm a serious control freak. that was my biggest downfall with my business. i couldn't let go of a ton of responsibilities that i should have, and as a result, i was an unhappy prisoner of my dream come true. anyway, after a week of my mom visiting, she said on the day she left that i shouldn't have any more kids. she said she felt sorry for baby because i'm more worried about her wardrobe than her wellbeing. surely, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but i do get a big thrill over finding cute clothes for her. i'm starting to make some connections about my frequent bad mood and my shopping habits. i think because i feel so out of control over baby's behavior, sleep habits and everything else that comes along with dealing with a toddler, i get the satisfaction of feeling in control over what she wears. i can't make baby eat if she doesn't feel like eating. i can't make her sleep if she's not tired. there's a million and one things i can't make her do, but i can make her wear a super cute outfit. i think this whole control thing dawned on me while watching an episode of hoarders. i'm definitely at risk for becoming one of those lunatics!! husband says my design sense is: find an empty corner in the house and fill it with shopping bags full of stuff. as i look around our apartment, he's right. i think of all the corners in the whole place, there's not a single corner that doesn't have something piled up into it.

anyway, to recap my latest purchases over the past couple weeks or so:

from lester harry's by lili gaufrette $75:

this i bought as a gift for a friend who posted it on their facebook page:

from lester harrys by anais & i $75:

also from lester harrys by bonpoint:

not exactly what i bought-this was the closest picture i could find

shirt $120, cashmere sweater $185

then from mulberry road, items 40%off purchased for next spring:

by egg by susan lazar:

then for me:

from lilly pulitzer $265

from calypso this shirt in navy $75: