managing

having a decent holiday weekend thusfar. got a little frustrated today that we only spent 45 minutes of time doing what we (adults) wanted to do and spent the rest of the day catering to baby. she came down with a wicked fever last night and wasn't feeling so good. luckily, she's not being fussy, but to be on the safe side, we're just keeping her activities very low key (playing inside the house...meanwhile it's 80 and gorgeous outside). we arrived thursday morning and once the stores opened at 10, i hit the pavement running ready to buy everything in sight. sadly, i didn't really see anything i absolutely had to have. in the hour i had to shop before baby couldn't stand being in the stroller anymore, i bought this dress for baby at lilly pulitzer $88:

the past few days have been a blur. took baby to the beach on friday and saturday. it was a bit cool on the beach on saturday, so that's probably where baby caught a chill. there were a bunch of kids on the beach wearing a quarter of the clothes she was wearing, so i don't know. i'm always way overdressing her so, maybe she's not used to being on the cool side.

finally got back into town this morning to do a little shopping. bought this cute dress by oneill $44:

this mannequin must be 7 feet tall, because it just hits a couple inches above my knee. also, the dress has pockets which is always a bonus.

tomorrow is our last day here and i need to make the most of it. otherwise i'll go home feeling like something is missing. the fact that i've only bought these two things is quite a feat. a couple of nice things we've done while we were here was get reacquainted with the succulent donuts at the bake shop and the stop and shop pistachio gelato. mmmmm...

off to the beach

we're catching a 6:30am ferry tomorrow morning. it takes about 1hr 15min to get to the ferry. it's going to be a rough morning. after spending the whole summer at the beach last year, we decided that we didn't want to do that this year. we may be eating our words. the problem with last year was that baby was little and couldn't do very much. also, there were two other families living at the house too. husband's sister's family occupied one side of the house, husband's dad and wife occupied the middle and we stayed on the other side. it was a full house. at the time, the sister in law had 3 kids, a 5 year old, a 3 year old, and a 10 month old. she now has a fourth child who is now 7 weeks old. needless to say, they won't be at the house this summer. also, husband's dad will be having a second shoulder replacement surgery in july, so he and his wife won't be there either. we'll have the house to ourselves for most of the time, so that significantly changes the scene there. hm.

anyway, will be posting while away...

quickie

not much to report. i ran out real quick while baby was napping this morning. headed straight for anthropologie. i got this dress ($138) that i've been admiring and it fit like a dream:

i also got this top ($78) which looked good on, however when i showed it to the husband, he looked confused and didn't really know what to say. i tried to put words to his expression and asked him if i looked like a horse that just won a race and is wearing a flower wreath around my neck. he said, yeah, something like that.... so, this may not be a keeper... will have to sleep on it.

one good thing about husband is that he really tells the truth about my purchases. and i don't always agree with him, but i like that he takes a good look, thinks about it and then gives me an honest opinion. anything he flat out doesn't like, i usually return. if he wisened up, he wouldn't like anything i bought, but often he really likes what i buy. so, they're keepers!

bought a whole bunch of stuff online for baby. first from olive juice kids:

on sale for $43.95:

also on sale for $34.95 in the navy color:

and finally this to for $32.95:

these were no means bargains, but i bought them on sale for the fall. i try to buy baby's clothes a couple seasons ahead... i looked for a last fall/winters clearance clothing for baby for this coming fall, but none of the sites i usually buy from had anything good, and if they did, they didn't have anything in her size. this fall will be the first time i buy full priced in season clothing. this could get expensive considering my taste. one must have for the fall/winter for baby is a cashmere sweater. back before baby was born, her grandfather sponsored a shopping spree for at ralph lauren. one of the things i picked out was a cashmere cardigan with matching pants. it was quite expensive at $250. baby never wore the pants... but the sweater she wore pretty much every day from october until march. babycz makes luxurious cashmere clothing for little ones, however i'm not sure i want to spend the money...the double breasted cardigans run around $240. The cable knit pullovers are around $150. I actually knitted a cashmere roll neck pullover last summer for baby... but it ended up being too small for her by winter. my second mistake was i used needles that were a bit smaller than i should have which resulted in a very thick, sauna-like sweater. i should just undo the sweater and wind it up into balls because the yarn itself, i think, came to about $120. cashmere in any form is expensive!!!

anyway, a few notes on baby. she is her mother's daughter. she saw a cat for the first time today and she totally lit up and was completely fascinated by it. like her mom, she's an animal lover. she is finally sitting down to eat. we got her a booster seat that sits right on one of our dining chairs and she's been pretty good about sitting there. score! her appetite for food is also increasing. she loves pasta and meat sauce, ham and cheese sandwiches, strawberries, cheese melted on a bagel, yogurt... now if i can just get her to like milk....

i know why the caged bird doesn't sing

i think i've figured out why moms or women with kids don't go around complaining about how hard motherhood is. 1) people who don't have kids don't want to hear it... that's why they are enjoying life without kids 2) no one wants to sound like a stupid crybaby and 3) people who have kids don't want to hear about it because they have their own problems...and probably think to themselves "don't get me started!"

this week has been a little better than last week. although today, i've reached my limit on tolerating that high pitched whining sound that baby is so fond of making lately. it really hits a nerve that sends me fantasizing about shoving a wad of duct tape in her mouth. my patience lately has been very short. maybe meditating will help? i've finally taken to going to bed a couple hours earlier than i regularly do. that has helped with not feeling tired, but not so much with my sense of calm or my attitude.

i think the main thing i'm missing in my life right now is a sense of joy. there is no joy. where is the joy? when will i begin to feel it? what if it never comes? that's a really depressing thought. what good is becoming a mother if there's no joy. what's the point?? can anyone really answer that? interestingly, the amount of money i spend a week is a good barometer of how i feel... it's an inverse relationship.... more money=bad mood, less money=good mood when will i learn that retail therapy doesn't work!!

the latest

this past weekend, we went on a shopping spree for baby. we bought a booster seat for one of our dining chairs since the high chair is currently collecting dust. we also bought santa's sleigh's worth of toys.

this 'super spiral play tower' is a bit of a monstrosity, but i knew the entertainment value would outweigh the unsightliness of it.

i've become mildly obessed with the happyland line of toys.. they're the european equivalent of fisher price's little people toys.

my first happyland purchase a couple weeks ago was this veterinary office and set of people...

turned out that these were a big hit with baby. she especially enjoyed putting the people in and out of the little vet clinic. so of course we had to buy more!

i got this farm set which is so adorable.. however baby wasn't as into it as much the original vet clinic set. oh well...

then we saw this bath toy and had to get it:

then today i did a little shopping...

bought this super cute top for baby at mulberry road by egg baby $38:

that's about it... i've been itching to buy myself something lately, but haven't really seen anything i liked. found a nice pair of chanel sunglasses at saks, but couldn't justify the purchase because i don't really wear sunglasses. i have a couple of nice pairs already, but am just not a sunglass type of person. i.e. husband never leaves the house without his sunglasses.

oh, i'm such a dingaling...i wrapped up the quilt very beautifully and then i remembered that i forgot to take pictures of it, but then i didn't want to unwrap it and mess it up... so, it'll have to be an undocumented project... since it took less than a week to make, i'll be making more and try to remember to take pics next time.

been busy

finally finished up the quilt i was working on for a friend's new baby. it was super quick and i'll post pics soon. needless to say, i had a bit of a rough week. i think i can attribute most of my bad mood to pms and part of it due to me kind of wanting something shiny for mother's day and not getting anything. i guess i'll just add it to my ever growing wish list.

currently on my list:

van cleef and arpels alhambra necklace - yellow gold with heart pendant $1750

the hermes cape cod double tour leather strap watch in orange $2100

a hermes wallet - not sure exactly which kind...

the cartier love bracelet in yellow gold $3950

range rover sport, in black of course ... will be our next car once our current one no longer works for us. i'm torn about this one because they have a bad reputation for reliability and don't even get started on the gas milage.

i guess my list isn't really that long... but it's been rattling around for quite some time. it's good to want things and not necessarily get them. after having gotten one of the things on my wish list crossed off (my goyard purse $1200) i've totally enjoyed using it, but that feel good high is such a fleeting feeling... it's kind of anticlimactic once you get it. i usually get whatever i want and take a lot of what i have for granted. i blame it on only child syndrome. yeah....that's it....

a silver lining

should i choose to pursue this, the answer to some of my stresses over parenting can be achieved! parent coaching!!! nanny yvonne from that horrifying show, nanny 911, offers parental coaching services in our area. it probably costs an arm and a leg, but maybe having her come in and point me in the right direction on various issues that we have will nip bad habits in the bud now before they pile up on us later. like the not sitting in a high chair....or sitting for that matter when it's time to eat. the way it is now, baby won't eat unless she's playing or stumbling around all over the place. if we try to get her to sit, she throws a tantrum and meal time is over without her even having a single bite. because she's breastfed on demand, she couldn't care less if she ate food because she'll just nurse more to make up for it. this is not only a problem because she could choke running around with a mouthful of food, it's a problem because we can't take her out to a restaurant and plop her down in a high chair and eat a meal in peace. if we do go out to eat and she's awake...it's like trying to hold on to an screeching octopus with one arm while trying to shovel food in your mouth with the other... frankly, i'd rather eat a box of mac n cheese at home than try to enjoy good food at a restaurant while dealing with a badly behaved baby.

anyway... something to think about... there's hope!

motherhood shmutherhood

last year on mother's day, baby was only a few weeks old, so the "holiday" didn't feel like it applied to me. this year, even though i dragged myself through all the responsibilities of motherhood, i have to say, it still doesn't feel like it applies to me. i wished i saw myself as a mother. i guess i see myself as someone who has a kid to deal with, not one who someone who has a kid to love and nurture.

people say that having your first is the hardest because there is a huge life adjustment that you have to make in terms of giving up your own interests and your own time and various selfish needs. having the second child is much easier because by that time you've already submitted to the the idea that your life is no longer your own and those memories of you as a carefree single adult are long gone and forgotten. i think if only i could submit and let go of my idea of myself before baby came, i would feel less conflicted about my situation.

there's this family that we see a church every sunday... a 8 year old boy, 7 year old girl, 4 year old boy and 9 month old twin girls. i can't help but stare at them during mass wondering how they keep it together. both parents look freshly groomed...no bags under their eyes...kids nicely dressed and well behaved... they make parenting such a brood look like a piece of cake. maybe they have a couple nannies at home and a maid... they must have some significant help. they must!!! i'd love to be able to spend a few days in someone's home who have small children. i just have no way of knowing what's normal... how people cope...tricks of the trade... growing up as a single child and not really having any exposure to how children are raised, i'm really at a loss with what to do with baby... i'm not good at playing with her... she gets bored. i find playing with her pretty boring... what the heck do people do? how do people stay sane?

as for the mother's day gift i was hoping for... it hasn't come to fruition. there are more practical uses for the money and i don't feel very deserving of such a present anyway. i haven't been trying very hard lately...i've kind of run out of steam. somehow i need to breathe new life into my role as a mother.

mother's day

i'm looking forward to mother's day only because i found something that i want for a mother's day present. i was walking along and saw in the window of this jewelry store a van cleef and arpels necklace that had a heart pendant. i went in and inquired how much and tried it on. it's a bit pricey, but not nearly as much as the necklace i wanted for my birthday, but ended up not getting it because the store would not agree to the price that the husband was willing to pay for it. it was a beautiful necklace though... and sometimes i still go to visit it. anyway, i hope i get the van cleef necklace because it's something i could wear every day.

i was looking back on my posts last year and saw that i stopped posting around november. it was right before we got the baby sitter. well, the baby sitter thing ended up not working out. she came a total of 5 times and during the christmas holiday, she emailed me and said she would not be returning because baby was "too difficult" to sit for since she was very clingy to me and had really bad separation anxiety. i was pretty disappointed at the time that it didn't work out, however, i also didn't have anything to do while the sitter was sitting, so i just let it go. it was really husband's big idea to get her to give me some relief, but baby just wouldn't have it. every time we left her alone, she'd cry unconsolably until we got back. which one time was 1.5 hours.

since then, we haven't had any childcare whatsoever. i think that pretty much sums up how exciting our lives are... i find it a little depressing that we haven't had a single evening in the past 381 days out with just the husband and i. i guess if it was truly important to us, we'd make it happen, but we've always been homebodies. we still go out to eat at our favorite places, but at like 5pm after walking around the block a few times to get baby to go to sleep so we can eat in peace.

here's a scary thought...husband wants to start trying for a second soon...like this summer. i just kind of laughed it off. i mean, seriously. really? i've barely recovered from the awful first 6 months of motherhood. i can't imagine doing it again. gives me the chills thinking about it. the constant nursing, rocking, sleepless nights... i don't think i have it in me nor do i think i have enough to give. i don't feel like i have enough to give to baby as it is. her personality is already becoming tarnished by my un-fun personality. my mom constantly reminds me of this: "your baby is so deadpan because you have no personality. she becoming like you..." gee thanks mom. what did you expect? that she's going to magically have the personality of joan rivers? this does concern me a little bit. how unfortunate she is to have lame ass parents. why bring yet another socially awkward introvert into the world? people like that are generally not such happy people.

based on how many bad habits baby already has, i don't think we're going such a good job anyway. 1) baby won't sit in a high chair 2) baby won't eat food unless she's walking around and crashing into things 3) baby still sleeps in our bed 4) baby still nursing full time

i can't seem to find other mothers who share these qualities with us. we have no clue what we're doing and just do whatever gets us by. that's not good parenting. i fear for the future!!!

more purchases

wanted to document more of my latest purchases:

from kenzie kids by weekend a la mer $48:

from olliebollen.com by catimini $72:

from lester harrys by sugarbooger $16:

from camper $140:

for the dog from orvis.com $89: