mother's day

i'm looking forward to mother's day only because i found something that i want for a mother's day present. i was walking along and saw in the window of this jewelry store a van cleef and arpels necklace that had a heart pendant. i went in and inquired how much and tried it on. it's a bit pricey, but not nearly as much as the necklace i wanted for my birthday, but ended up not getting it because the store would not agree to the price that the husband was willing to pay for it. it was a beautiful necklace though... and sometimes i still go to visit it. anyway, i hope i get the van cleef necklace because it's something i could wear every day.

i was looking back on my posts last year and saw that i stopped posting around november. it was right before we got the baby sitter. well, the baby sitter thing ended up not working out. she came a total of 5 times and during the christmas holiday, she emailed me and said she would not be returning because baby was "too difficult" to sit for since she was very clingy to me and had really bad separation anxiety. i was pretty disappointed at the time that it didn't work out, however, i also didn't have anything to do while the sitter was sitting, so i just let it go. it was really husband's big idea to get her to give me some relief, but baby just wouldn't have it. every time we left her alone, she'd cry unconsolably until we got back. which one time was 1.5 hours.

since then, we haven't had any childcare whatsoever. i think that pretty much sums up how exciting our lives are... i find it a little depressing that we haven't had a single evening in the past 381 days out with just the husband and i. i guess if it was truly important to us, we'd make it happen, but we've always been homebodies. we still go out to eat at our favorite places, but at like 5pm after walking around the block a few times to get baby to go to sleep so we can eat in peace.

here's a scary thought...husband wants to start trying for a second soon...like this summer. i just kind of laughed it off. i mean, seriously. really? i've barely recovered from the awful first 6 months of motherhood. i can't imagine doing it again. gives me the chills thinking about it. the constant nursing, rocking, sleepless nights... i don't think i have it in me nor do i think i have enough to give. i don't feel like i have enough to give to baby as it is. her personality is already becoming tarnished by my un-fun personality. my mom constantly reminds me of this: "your baby is so deadpan because you have no personality. she becoming like you..." gee thanks mom. what did you expect? that she's going to magically have the personality of joan rivers? this does concern me a little bit. how unfortunate she is to have lame ass parents. why bring yet another socially awkward introvert into the world? people like that are generally not such happy people.

based on how many bad habits baby already has, i don't think we're going such a good job anyway. 1) baby won't sit in a high chair 2) baby won't eat food unless she's walking around and crashing into things 3) baby still sleeps in our bed 4) baby still nursing full time

i can't seem to find other mothers who share these qualities with us. we have no clue what we're doing and just do whatever gets us by. that's not good parenting. i fear for the future!!!