i know why the caged bird doesn't sing

i think i've figured out why moms or women with kids don't go around complaining about how hard motherhood is. 1) people who don't have kids don't want to hear it... that's why they are enjoying life without kids 2) no one wants to sound like a stupid crybaby and 3) people who have kids don't want to hear about it because they have their own problems...and probably think to themselves "don't get me started!"

this week has been a little better than last week. although today, i've reached my limit on tolerating that high pitched whining sound that baby is so fond of making lately. it really hits a nerve that sends me fantasizing about shoving a wad of duct tape in her mouth. my patience lately has been very short. maybe meditating will help? i've finally taken to going to bed a couple hours earlier than i regularly do. that has helped with not feeling tired, but not so much with my sense of calm or my attitude.

i think the main thing i'm missing in my life right now is a sense of joy. there is no joy. where is the joy? when will i begin to feel it? what if it never comes? that's a really depressing thought. what good is becoming a mother if there's no joy. what's the point?? can anyone really answer that? interestingly, the amount of money i spend a week is a good barometer of how i feel... it's an inverse relationship.... more money=bad mood, less money=good mood when will i learn that retail therapy doesn't work!!