motherhood shmutherhood

last year on mother's day, baby was only a few weeks old, so the "holiday" didn't feel like it applied to me. this year, even though i dragged myself through all the responsibilities of motherhood, i have to say, it still doesn't feel like it applies to me. i wished i saw myself as a mother. i guess i see myself as someone who has a kid to deal with, not one who someone who has a kid to love and nurture.

people say that having your first is the hardest because there is a huge life adjustment that you have to make in terms of giving up your own interests and your own time and various selfish needs. having the second child is much easier because by that time you've already submitted to the the idea that your life is no longer your own and those memories of you as a carefree single adult are long gone and forgotten. i think if only i could submit and let go of my idea of myself before baby came, i would feel less conflicted about my situation.

there's this family that we see a church every sunday... a 8 year old boy, 7 year old girl, 4 year old boy and 9 month old twin girls. i can't help but stare at them during mass wondering how they keep it together. both parents look freshly groomed...no bags under their eyes...kids nicely dressed and well behaved... they make parenting such a brood look like a piece of cake. maybe they have a couple nannies at home and a maid... they must have some significant help. they must!!! i'd love to be able to spend a few days in someone's home who have small children. i just have no way of knowing what's normal... how people cope...tricks of the trade... growing up as a single child and not really having any exposure to how children are raised, i'm really at a loss with what to do with baby... i'm not good at playing with her... she gets bored. i find playing with her pretty boring... what the heck do people do? how do people stay sane?

as for the mother's day gift i was hoping for... it hasn't come to fruition. there are more practical uses for the money and i don't feel very deserving of such a present anyway. i haven't been trying very hard lately...i've kind of run out of steam. somehow i need to breathe new life into my role as a mother.