giving it another try

tomorrow a new babysitter is starting. i remain dubious as to what will happen. at least i laid it all out to her - baby's clinginess, separation anxiety and the lack of experiencing anyone else really watch her. babysitter was not phased by my apprehensions. she said she's up for the challenge and is very patient. she also has experience with dealing with separation anxiety. she's got a ton of experience taking care of children, including two much younger siblings. she's worked at children's day camps, worked for several years with a single family taking care of their children. she loves children in general. (i don't understand people like that, but thank god they exist) i have every faith that she'll be fine. in fact, i'm looking forward to learning a thing or two from her. i'm really hoping she works out, because it gives husband and i hope that some day, we'll get a chance to go out by ourselves.

i'm finding that there are a lot of women in my situation. the situation being, never having any experience with kids at any age before having a baby. i never even changed a diaper before baby came along. in fact, i don't even *like* kids. i don't have a clue as to what i'm doing day to day... that explains why baby is still breastfeeding at 14 months and sleeping in our bed. it's no wonder why i think motherhood is so friggin hard. and this age is supposed to be easy. what am i going to do when the terrible twos come along... or during the know it all asshole teenage years. i guess that's why there are so many parenting books out there... for people like me, but who has time to read??? also, i'm not one that is good at following directions. ie sleep training... could have done it... tried to do it (the wrong way) and failed miserably. hence, the three of us are squished in our queen sized bed. husband has to sleep with his head the other direction so that we all fit. sometimes the dog likes to sleep with us too. four's a crowd in a queen sized bed. oy!