spoke too soon

i've been feeling seriously on edge these past few days. somehow, nice pleasant baby turned into crazy fussy baby and is really driving me crazy. this week has been the first week that husband went to work every day. that is a sad statement because it's only been 3 days and already i'm about to throw in the towel. i don't know how people deal with being alone at home all day every day with their kids. i guess the key is to not be at home all day. getting out is important, but when it's too hot out, there's nowhere to go. strapping baby in a stroller and walking around the mall does not count as an activity and definitely doesn't do anything to expel baby's energy.

after spending a week with family and lots of built in stimulation, baby is definitely missing it and is bored to death. there's very little i can do to entertain her. she's bored of her toys and has taken her boredom out on the dog. luckily our dog is very patient, but we've got to be careful because there's only so much tail pulling a dog can handle. if only baby operated on a predictable schedule, planning out the day would be a little easier. lately, her naps have been all over the map and today she didn't nap at all. i needed a time out and literally locked myself in the bathroom with my computer for 15 minutes. as long as i could hear baby whining on the other side of the door, i figured she was safe.

next item on my to do list... email that babysitter!!

m.i.a.

sorry i haven't posted in a while. we spent a week at the beach and i haven't really been inspired to write about anything. i guess that means that i haven't been feeling very miserable lately. actually, for the first time, i'm kind of feeling like a mother. this big turn of events is due to baby becoming more of a person and less of a baby. this week, baby learned her body parts. that kind of blew my mind. she can definitely understand a lot of words, but for me to teach her stuff...i have to admit it's pretty cool. she's also very affectionate and it really melts my heart. i never thought the day would come when my stone cold heart (towards kids) would feel anything but disdain, but every time she comes over with a hug and kiss... all i can think of is "awwww".

i also haven't really bought a ton of stuff lately. i really wanted to buy stuff on the island, but there simply wasn't anything to buy. i bought baby another outfit at lilly pulitzer and a pair of flip flops for me. i did buy some stuff today - a doll for baby, an dress for baby, and a jacket for me. i'm really into outerwear right now. once fall comes, i'll be all set.

oy

baby decided it was a 5am wake up kind of day. i hate those kind of days. i'm trying to start weaning her off the boob and usually i can nurse her back down when she wakes up too early, but this morning, i wasn't in the mood to nurse anymore. i physically just couldn't stand that sensation one minute longer, so she protested and decided that it was time to wake up. i haven't felt this utterly miserable in a long time. luckily, i was able to take a nap in the afternoon when she finally went to sleep, however earlier in the day i walked around feeling mad at the world and toying with the idea of consuming a bottle of pills and washing it down with some kind of alcohol.

this got me thinking... is my life better now that i'm a stay at home mom or was it better when i was a store owner? for four years, i owned and operated a cute gift store that specialized in monogramming. the day it opened, it was truly a dream come true. i had never worked in retail before opening the store, so i found that customer service was quite a learning curve. after about a month, i was still happy. i would cheerfully greet every customer that walked in the door and cater to their idiosyncrasies. that lasted about 2 more months. after that, i was questioning myself as to what the heck i have done and will i be able to survive! other retailers say that my nightmarish experience with the business was due to the location i was in. it was in a real snooty suburb with the most entitled people you could ever imagine. i'd come home with some crazy story almost every night. i've blocked most of the memories out, but one that i'll never forget was when this mother came in with her 3 year old daughter. the girl was just recently potty trained and needed to go to the bathroom. she begged and pleaded with her mom..."mom... i really really got to go!!!.. please mom!!!" and the mom just kept saying "in a minute... just need a couple more minutes"... the mom was really into shopping and couldn't give a rats ass about her daughter. then the daughter gave up and stood in the middle of the floor and just peed. when the mom realized what happened, you'd think she'd be embarrassed. but no, she said to my employee, "do you have a rag?" my employee found a roll of papertowels and the lady said, "great"... and continued to shop. she didn't even offer to lay some papertowels on the floor and step on it to soak the urine up. apparently it was my employee's responsibility to clean up her daughter's pee. i was beyond disturbed.

anyway, just thinking about the store gives me high blood pressure. there were some good times and the customers really loved the store, but i don't think i could ever do anything customer service oriented ever again. i've learned that people are crazy and i don't have the patience for them.

going back a little further, before i opened the store, i worked in finance. when i had rough days at the store, it got me thinking... is my life better being my own boss or was it better when i was just some desk jockey? sadly, i think the answer to that is that i will always be a malcontent.

one for you, two for me

went to the mall today to pick up a couple birthday gifts. one is for my niece, who turned 4 last week. and the other is for my sister in law who turned 40 recently. we're going to be celebrating both birthdays over july 4th weekend. for the sis in law, it was between an ipad or a louis vuitton purse. we've pretty much settled on the ipad which we'll pick up tomorrow.

unfortunately, i got a little caught up on seeing stuff for myself. at burberry, i got baby a couple outfits ($84 and $69) and also fell in love with a raincoat ($409).

then, at jacadi, they were having a 50% off sale. i got this top ($22) and this dress ($42):

baby also needed shoes. real shoes and not those robeez prewalkers. we went to stride rite and picked these up:

($39) ($40)

it doesn't stop there. we went to neiman marcus to buy the nieces gift and also found a super cute dress for baby. i couldn't find a pic of it online, but it's by halabaloo.

that's about it. we bought a lot today. at least husband was involved in the purchasing, so it didn't seem so bad.

better luck tomorrow

so, i'm sure everyone is dying to know how today went. well, it didn't. the babysitter called around 11:30 am to say that she had somewhat of an emergency and had to bring her friend to the hospital. i guess the friend had some kind of an accident and got a concussion. well, that's the story. i'm sure what really transpired was... "hey, let's go to the beach today!" "oh, i can't, i have a new job to go to..." "just tell them a friend needed you to take them to the hospital, they'll understand" "ok.. cool... will do!"

oh, right before that, husband and i got in a little tiff because baby was fussing and husband made a comment like, i can't wait to get a babysitter in here so someone will play with baby finally. i took great offense to that comment because i feel like i give baby plenty of attention. it's not easy nor fun trying to entertain a toddler every second of the day. and one shouldn't have to either. kids need to learn how to entertain themselves. anyway, i just kind of let that one simmer and it's still simmering. it was so hot out today that going out to the park was not really an option. i decided to go to the mall to kill some time. i've always despised those people who bring their kids to the children's section of the book store to let them "look" at books and let them play. before baby was born and i went there to buy some books and a lot of them were so beat up that even if they were 50% off i wouldn't buy them. but today, i became one of those people. i now understand why they are there and i feel their pain. i wanted baby to burn off a little energy and get a little stimulation in the outside world and this was the only place i could think of to take her. and she had a blast. at least i bought a couple books and kind of paid for my time there.

giving it another try

tomorrow a new babysitter is starting. i remain dubious as to what will happen. at least i laid it all out to her - baby's clinginess, separation anxiety and the lack of experiencing anyone else really watch her. babysitter was not phased by my apprehensions. she said she's up for the challenge and is very patient. she also has experience with dealing with separation anxiety. she's got a ton of experience taking care of children, including two much younger siblings. she's worked at children's day camps, worked for several years with a single family taking care of their children. she loves children in general. (i don't understand people like that, but thank god they exist) i have every faith that she'll be fine. in fact, i'm looking forward to learning a thing or two from her. i'm really hoping she works out, because it gives husband and i hope that some day, we'll get a chance to go out by ourselves.

i'm finding that there are a lot of women in my situation. the situation being, never having any experience with kids at any age before having a baby. i never even changed a diaper before baby came along. in fact, i don't even *like* kids. i don't have a clue as to what i'm doing day to day... that explains why baby is still breastfeeding at 14 months and sleeping in our bed. it's no wonder why i think motherhood is so friggin hard. and this age is supposed to be easy. what am i going to do when the terrible twos come along... or during the know it all asshole teenage years. i guess that's why there are so many parenting books out there... for people like me, but who has time to read??? also, i'm not one that is good at following directions. ie sleep training... could have done it... tried to do it (the wrong way) and failed miserably. hence, the three of us are squished in our queen sized bed. husband has to sleep with his head the other direction so that we all fit. sometimes the dog likes to sleep with us too. four's a crowd in a queen sized bed. oy!

bleh

haven't posted in a while because i've been sick and the days have been creeping by uneventfully. the only blip on the radar this past week was husband's review of our expenses. what tipped him off was my unusually high credit card bill this month. because neither of us is really brining in any income, he had to take a look at how much longer we can live on the money we have with the rate of spending we are at. he finally got a good look at how much i've been spending and it wasn't pretty. he was like, what the heck are you buying?? and i said... i don't even know!!

well, i said, clothes and toys for baby... and groceries... and an occasional outfit for me here and there... and birthday presents for friends as needed. it adds up, i said!!

anyway, i vowed to try and cut back. my strategy is to only buy stuff 2 weeks out of every month. i think if i can just limit any purchases to the second and third week of the month, that theoretically should cut things down by at least a third. also, that forces me to wait to buy stuff if it's an off week hence, reducing a bulk of impulse purchasing.

will start this new tactic next month...