I'm a terrible mother!

Sadly, baby is not the most advanced baby in her caterpillars class. Sure, she's a champ at sitting up for her age, but there's another baby born on the same day as her that is not only rolling over, she is holding her own bottle and feeding herself as well as sleeping 12 hours a night (7pm to 7am). Now, if my baby slept like that, I think I'd be the happiest woman on earth. That mother said that she "Ferberized" her baby at around 4 months old. She spent a week breaking her baby of swaddling and then used the Ferber method of sleep training. Baby also treats the bottle like poison, so I don't think I'll ever see her hold her own bottle and feeding herself.

First of all, we've only just perfected the art of putting a baby to sleep at night based on everything they tell you for newborns. Swaddle them up, nurse them and rock them...and then off they are to lala land. We start bath time at around 8 pm, then read books, then swaddle up and nurse...by 9:30, she's pretty much out for the night. Apparently, this is a bad thing to keep doing at her age. Apparently, I should be teaching her how to get to sleep on her own. Why on earth would I want to do that right now if things are working? As it is, there is ZERO crying at bedtime. Sleep training involves lots of crying. I don't know what the right thing to do here is. Should I follow the 'if it ain't broke' philosophy or should I suddenly undo all the routine that we've established thus far? Baby books should tell you right off the bat that you shouldn't get too comfy with your night time routine because by months 4-6, you need to start teaching the baby to get to sleep on their own.

I fear that I'm becoming the kind of mother I look down upon. Namby pamby spineless mothers who let their kids do whatever they want and spoil them silly. I just can't bear to hear baby cry and some part of me thinks that letting a baby cry teaches her to cry more. It's totally an unfounded and ridiculous idea, but I've barely let baby cry ever and thus far, she's not a crybaby. I'm sure when she gets older and cries for different reasons, I'll have to bring down the hammer, but I just don't have it in me to even try sleep training. I think I'll just get frustrated and then angry if bedtime becomes a big battle every night.

Looking ahead, I wonder how I'm going to handle any kind of friction. Theoretically, I envisioned myself as no nonsense as a piano teacher with a ruler, but with baby in my arms, I just want to protect her from the world and anything that could upset her. Hopefully, I will learn to balance my emotions and the need for discipline. I always thought husband would be the pushover dad and I'd be mean mommy, but I don't want to be mean mommy. I think husband will have to be the disciplinarian. He just doesn't know it yet!

I like someone.

So, I finally met someone I think I like. I don't know what to do....I mean, I want to be friends with her, but I don't want to seem weird or creepy. I knew I wanted her to be my friend when I first saw her in the baby wiggle class. She is also in my caterpillars class, but missed the first class last week due to the sniffles. Anyway, we finally met today and we found that we have a lot in common. The only minor set back is that she lives kind of far, so getting together could be a bit of a challenge. (Far meaning a 25 minute walk from her place to mine.) Anyway, I hope that we do end up becoming friends. It's so hard making new friends at this age. People are so reserved and also you tend to not be willing to put up with someone you don't really click with...I have met a few nice women through these classes, but nothing has materialized just yet. At least I'm out there circulating...

Nada mucho.

It's been a few days since my last post. I'm basically forcing myself to write something now to keep things going. Nothing exciting has been going on here. Husband is off on a golf tournament this coming weekend and baby is excited for grandma to come back. Unfortunately, we won't have the car, but I think we'll be ok without it. I'm a hesitant driver anyway which is why husband drives me everywhere. I had a car in college and drove around quite a bit, but once I moved to the city, I gave up the car and didn't drive for 8 years. I had to relearn when I opened up my store because it was out in the suburbs. Relearning was quite a task. Every time I had to get behind the wheel, my stomach would ache and my palms would sweat so bad I needed to hold the steering wheel with tissues. Eventually, I got back into the swing of things. Driving became old hat again. But once I got pregnant last year, I stopped driving because I was always too tired to drive in the morning so I'd take the train to work and husband would come and pick me up. This year alone, I think I've only driven maybe 5 times total. The less I drive, the more nervous Nelly I am about it. Maybe I should make it a goal to drive at least once a month...

So, over a month has gone by and still no ichatting with grandma and grandpa. I'm a bit annoyed that a brand new macbook is sitting in my parent's kitchen collecting dust. My poor dad hasn't seen the baby since July 4th and he wants to be able to see her, but my mom has some kind of unexplainable force preventing her from getting wireless up and running. Ugh. If I only knew this would happen, I would have spent my 207,000 rewards points on something else.

On an unrelated note, baby's current activities at 5.5 months: been sitting up for 3 weeks already, babbles and shrieks, loves tv, not rolling over yet, reached her arms up asking to be carried for the first time today, eats rice cereal and prunes

Busy Busy.

Baby and I started a new class today. This class ("caterpillars") is the next level after the one that ends on Friday ("next step"). It's great because there are more babies that are the same age as baby. One of them even has the same exact birthdate. Let the competition begin!!! I'm happy to report that of all the babies her age +/- a few days, she's the only one sitting up by herself. Also, a huge plus is that there are a couple women in this class who happen to be in the baby wiggle class that meets on Wednesdays. Finally! Some potential friends. Actually, of the three classes I've taken at this center, this one has the best group of women in it. Most of us went to lunch after class and we all seemed at ease with one another.

So, tomorrow, baby and I have the baby wiggle class, then Thursday, my friend is holding a trunk show to debut her new business. She used to be an employee of mine and decided to start her own business right after I closed the store. It's a great concept. She is primarily a children's party event planner, but she also sells partyware, gifts, and other stuff. I can't wait to see what she's come up with. Hopefully it won't be a total disaster of an evening because it's from 7-9pm and I have to bring you know who... I wish I could leave her at home, but since she doesn't take the bottle, I really have no choice but to drag her along. Then Friday, we have "graduation day" from our next step class. It feels really good to have a busy week like this. The only downside is that it's totally wreaked havoc on baby's naps.

Anyway, last weekend's visit with grandma was really nice. She played with baby every minute she could and when baby was asleep, she sat and watched every breath. That was kind of creepy, but I think she just wanted to soak baby all in while she could. Luckily, she found a reason to come back in two weeks. Husband is playing in a golf tournament and will be gone for the weekend, so she was all over coming back to keep me company. I bought her a plane ticket with my miles so, it worked out perfectly.

So, I just wanted to post a recent purchase...

From Baby Lulu:

I don't like being in a bad mood.

I think what really puts me in a bad mood is not necessarily the lack of sleep. It's the hours at night that I'm up rocking the baby while I can hear the husband snoring away. For example, last night, baby was up from 1:30-2:45 for a feeding and then wide awake from 4am-6am. I don't really mind the feed and put back down rendezvous, but it's the hour of rocking on the chair followed by the hour of walking around the room jiggle dance to desperately get this kid back to sleep. If I don't pick her up to do this, she'll just yell and yell and eventually cry, so to spare my eardrums, I just pick her up right away before all the histrionics.

I suppose nothing is stopping me from kicking the husband to get up and deal with the baby, but he does have to work and I don't. I should be napping during the day when she naps. But who can nap at 11:30am when the sun is shining and there is two loads of laundry to do? If I napped when she napped, then I'd never have any "me" time. I like me time. Anyway, I doubt husband would be all smiles and fuzzy bunnies in the morning if he was rocking a baby for 2 hours while I slept. He can barely hold the baby for more than 20 minutes straight before he "gets tired". This whole imbalance of baby care between a man and a woman is why men think it's no big deal having kids and women are more and more reluctant to go down this road. Ultimately, it's the woman's job to care for a child. Men seem to only be capable of brief entertaining and occasional diaper changes. If a man were to be asked to do more of the childcare, then tension is created because they have to "work" and shouldn't be expected to do more than they feel like doing at home. Now, I can't complain that much because husband is responsible for all meals and also acts as my chauffeur, but it's those middle of the night sessions that really kill me. I hate it!!!

Love the jeans.

Finding the perfect fitting pair of jeans can prove to be emotionally distressing. However, once you find a brand that fits, it's a no brainer. I ordered those James Jeans online, and they came in the mail yesterday. I have to say that they fit like a glove and look absolutely perfect. So glad I never have to go try on dozens of jeans and get depressed anymore. From now on, James Jeans are my go to brand. This is my third pair - I bought the first pair at Barneys and I can't for the life of me find where they are. Maybe the butt ripped and I had to throw them away, but I don't recall that happening. My second pair was purchased from Anthropologie shortly after I got pregnant. They were my "I'm not going to buy maternity jeans" jeans until I couldn't hold off any longer. So, they're a tad loose right now. That's why I had to get these. Even though these jeans are pricey at $158, I literally wear them every single day from October until March.

My go to brand used to be Citizens of Humanity. The average price of those jeans were around $158-185. They fit great too, however, they always wore out in the butt seam area and either ripped, or got so thin that it looked like cheesecloth. I got tired of having to buy a new pair of jeans every 8 weeks - those are too expensive to have to do that.

Anyway, what I need to work on now, is my hideous muffin top. No great pair of jeans can do anything about that...

Grandma's coming.

So, my mom is coming for a weekend visit tomorrow. She hasn't seen baby since July 4th weekend. I'm pretty sure that she's going to be holding baby every minute of the day, so yay for me. I was an only child and growing up as an only was kind of tough. The positive aspects were primarily of a material nature. I didn't have to share anything and I think my parents tried to create happiness by monetary means. My father didn't know how to be fun or loving. He's pretty much a workaholic and all he cared about was that I didn't leave my clothes on the floor. He also hated it whenever I wore black clothing. Even today he hates it. His way of telling me he loves me is by asking me if I'm taking my vitamins. My mom was a typical strict asian mother. I really couldn't get away with anything and being an only child, getting into trouble was a pretty traumatic ordeal. I observed that in families with siblings, parents seem less scary because you can use your sibling to either help the situation or at least gauge how angry your parents really are. As an only, whenever I got into trouble, it was like I just committed a felony and it was the end of the world. When I talk to my mom about how unhappy my childhood was, she chalks it up to her and my dad being stressed out about finances and also being so busy with work.

Although I kind of hated my mom when I was younger, we are suprisingly close. We only started getting along after I graduated from college. I can definitely say that we've reached another level of closeness after baby was born. I kind of expected her to be all overbearing and bossy when baby was born, but she was quite the opposite. She has been very supportive and agreeable to all the decisions I've made. She's a completely different person today than I remember her being when I was young. I feel lucky to be able to talk to her about how hard I'm finding motherhood to be.

I'm a complainer. It comes naturally. I don't know how my mom puts up with all my complaining, but she does. That's why I enjoy this blog so much. I can complain all I want to, and it doesn't matter. I don't have to think about annoying someone with all my complaining and it feels so good to get stuff off my chest. All my whining about how hard motherhood is seems so depressing, but motherhood IS hard. I don't know why more women aren't more honest about their feelings. I find it hard to believe that all women think being a mother is a joy every single day. That they love enduring night after night of trying to put a baby back to sleep at 3am who finally falls asleep at 5am. I mean, for real. This shit ain't fun. It's just part of being in the trenches, and I like telling the truth of the matter. Sure, I could write about how cute baby's smile is, but that's boring. I like to hold my breath and stomp on the floor and throw tantrums. That's how I roll.

Anyway, I don't have much of a weekly shopping update. I'm kind of shopped out for the moment. I did buy a pair of jeans from James Jeans:

Something new.

Baby turned 5 months old today. We celebrated by giving her rice cereal for the first time. She was good at opening her mouth for the spoon, but not so good at keeping the food in her mouth, which was to be expected. I didn't know if I made it thick enough or what, but she just got over a small bout of constipation, so I didn't want to stop her up. We'll work up to a good thickness over the next few days.

On the other hand, our dog has had diarrhea for over a week. It went away over the weekend, but it's back today so, she's going to visit the vet this afternoon. There were a few other dogs on her walking route that had it last week, but they are fine now. It could be anything - hopefully she'll get over it soon because taking her out every hour or so is kind of tough. Also, she definitely doesn't look like she feels well, so for her sake, I hope we can get this figured out.

In a desperate attempt to get a good night's sleep, I tried keeping baby's naps very limited yesterday. I only let her sleep an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon and kept her entertained as much as I could. Well, it seemed to have worked. She slept from 10pm until 6am. There's always a fine line between wearing a baby out and having an over tired baby... Apparently I wore her out because today, she's super tired and all she wants to do is nap. Should I let her or should I aim for another good night's sleep?

Oh Lord

What I wouldn't give for a couple hours of sleep. Baby has decided the past two nights that it was time to get up at 4am. Not just to eat and go back to sleep like usual, but to get up and play and stay awake. I'm not capable of getting up for the day at 4am. It's the worst feeling and I am unbearable to deal with when I'm that tired. I've been taking out my frustration on the husband, which is not very nice, but who else can I take it out on? I literally feel like I could punch someone.

One of my friends who had her first kid a couple years ago told me that having a kid was like having a dog, only better because the kid is always learning new tricks every day. At the time, it make sense to me...I could kind of see her reasoning. But, now that I have my own kid, it's nothing like having a dog. Dogs are better! My dog is very quiet, very lovable, and most especially, sleeps through the night and I wake up every morning feeling like a champ. She's also a great listener and pretty much does whatever I want her to. I doubt this will be the case as baby gets older.

Thank god my mom is coming in a few days. I seriously need a break. Between husband being sick and baby not sleeping, I feel like I'm at my breaking point. Hopefully a weekend with her will fix all that...

A little perspective.

So, I was at my mommy and me class yesterday and the other mothers were commenting on Brooke's outfit. I bought it a few weeks ago from Mulberry Road. It's by the Tea Collection and in my opinion, a non-expensive brand for the look. This was the top she was wearing with navy leggings:

Anyway, I said, oh, thanks... they asked if it was expensive, and said, no, not at all...I think the top was around $26. They gasped as if I had said $126 and remarked that that was quite pricey. They apparently shop at Babies R Us and only buy the $5-$10 clothing. Good thing she wasn't wearing one of her $70 tops. (which she has several). Their reaction kind of made me think about all the money I've spent on baby's wardrobe. I really enjoy dressing her up and her dad seems to appreciate how cute she looks in her designer clothes. So, I doubt I'll change my ways, but it did make me think.

So, husband went to the doctor yesterday for the 3rd time to figure out his illness. This time I think they nailed it. He has a tick borne disease. This doctor had a special interest in infectious diseases and he recognized all the symptoms right away. The treatment involves taking antibiotics for the next three weeks. Thank goodness.

Life is kind of funny because just when you think you can't take something anymore, something happens that kind of relieves all that. I was about ready to send baby to an orphanage when her two weeks of yelling turned into babbling. The babbling sounds were so cute that they just melted my heart. I'm sure after the two weeks of incessant babbling, I'll feel differently, but for now I think it's the cutest thing ever. Maybe by the time I get sick of hearing her noise, she might surprise me and say mama.

Guh.

I'm just going to come right out and say it. Being a mom sucks. I just don't know why people have kids. It's 1) not fun and 2) each minute seems like an eternity. What I really need to do is surrender to the mindset that my life is over. Truly. Well, until baby goes off to boarding school, which she will. I used to have a couple hours in the evening to pursue some interests, but for some reason, it's been taking 2+ hours to get baby to bed so, by the time she goes to sleep, I need to go to bed to maintain my sanity.

Anyway, I'm super cranky and I hope this mood ends. It's a quite miserable feeling and I don't know what to do to make me feel better. Retail therapy hasn't made a dent. I think I may need to hire a part time nanny or something.

On the other end, my mom has been getting on my nerves lately too. I'm noticing that she's aging mentally. She's very sensitive in ways she's never been before. It's hard to explain. I got her a macbook so she could ichat. She's not exactly computer literate, but she's at least knows how to use a mouse. For some reason, she keeps coming up with excuses why she can't get around to trying out the computer. At least she finally turned it on today and when it asked for her network password, she had no idea what it was and I told her to try a couple obvious ones like "password" or her telephone #. All of a sudden, she was like, I just don't have the time to do this now...I have so much work I need to catch up on... Let's do this another time. I was a bit annoyed because we spent two minutes, maybe three at this point trying to get her connected and then she just shut down. Uh...ok.

Hopefully I will be able to relax a bit and cut her and baby some slack. I need like a day off... a day to sleep or do a craft. Kind of be myself for a moment. Hopefully that day will come soon.

Struggling.

I've been really having a hard time coming up with entries as of late. When life consists of sitting in one room all day, there's not much to talk about. It also doesn't help that I've been kind of feeling down in the dumps the past couple of weeks. Baby and I start a new class tomorrow, so hopefully the pickings are better for finding a friend. It will also help that there'll be a reason to leave the house an extra day a week. The class I'm already taking meets Fridays and this new one meets Wednesdays. Hopefully this will help with my shopping problem. That's how I get into trouble... bored...need to get out... how 'bout going to the mall.... oooh, must.buy.that. Although, online shopping is part of my problem. Anyway, maybe if I feel busier, then my need to shop will be less pressing.

Finally I have a reason to actually go on a diet. The wedding is tentatively set for mid January and the thought of squeezing into an unforgiving bridesmaid's dress is enough motivation. As for the wedding, it's a delicate situation. No one is really happy about it and everyone has questions. It'll definitely be interesting to hear the little rehearsal dinner speeches because there are no cute little stories about the couple to speak of. Nor can anyone honestly say that they're a perfect pair because no one knows anything about the guy or anything about them as a couple. Their relationship is based on daily phone calls and that's about it.

Purchases this week.

As usual, I bought a lot of stuff this week... Some of the highlights include:

For Brooke:

A Rody bouncy horse

From Mulberry Road: Dress/Leggings by Pink Chicken A Hat by Tuff Cookie : For Me: From JCrew From Sephora: A T3 flat iron for my hair

Blah.

The husband has been sick for over a week now which means that I've been full time with the baby. I think I'm reaching my limit with being a mother. I'm just kind of sick of taking care of her and can't get a moment to myself. Meanwhile, I get to hear an update on my husband's condition every 10 minutes or so. His illness is a bit concerning because he's had a fever for over a week and went to the doctor twice. They don't know what he has and think he just has some kind of virus, but nightly fever and chills followed by a terrible headache is starting to wear on him.

I managed to get some proper thread for the bead crochet project. Also, I realized that I mis-counted the amount of beads necessary for the project. I already spent $67 on beads alone and basically had to buy $67 more because I actually needed twice as many beads. I started off really rocky - bead crochet looks super easy on the video, but it took me about 10 trys to get it going. I've got half the necklace done and am just waiting for the other half of the beads to come in. The local bead store has the beads, but cost twice as much as the online retailer.

Anyway, big news on the sister in law front. She just got engaged yesterday. I guess I'm happy for her, but it's kind of a shock because she met him on the internet 5 months ago and only met him in person 2 times prior to this weekend. Given her age, you have to assume that she knows what she's doing, but for someone who hasn't dated before and has been dying to get married, you also have to worry. I think if I met him, then I would know whether or not to be excited about this match. I just don't know. I find it a little fishy that after being whisked to the summer place on a private plane he decides to pop the question. I'm also disappointed that he didn't know to ask the father before asking her. Luckily, my husband knew better. Anyway, we'll just have to wait and see.

Stagnant waters.

I'm a bit disappointed that I missed two days of entries. Nothing worthy of writing about has gone on in the last 48 hours, so I guess I can't be blamed. The beads that I ordered came in, however, I got the wrong thickness of string so, I need to hop out to the local bead store to get the right kind. That's one of the downfalls of shopping online. You can't exactly see what it is your getting, so you kind of have to rely on the description. Most of the time that works, but sometimes, you end up with string that was supposed to be "thick, perfect for beading" but instead, it's as thin as sewing thread.

This weekend we are supposed to back to the summer house, but the husband is feeling a bit under the weather. We are thinking of canceling the trip, but the main reason for going is so that we can meet his sister's new boyfriend. This sister has never had a boyfriend, so it's a pretty big deal. (She's 39). Anyway, I was going to hold out and wait until after the weekend to write my next entry, since there would be something to talk about, but I guess I'll have to come up with something sooner.

I'm so proud of myself for this idea...I racked up a ton of points on my credit card from my old business and was itching to use them before they expire. I ended up getting a free MacBook which I'm going to set up for my parents so they can ichat and see the baby whenever they wanted. My mom can hardly wait... She's actually coming to visit in a couple weeks, so this will tide her over until she gets here.

Anyway, today's entry pretty much lives up to the title of this blog... It was bound to happen.

Lucky 7.

Today is my 7th year wedding anniversary. As each year goes on, it seem like less and less of a big deal. We just take it for granted that we are together and assume we'll be together for the rest of our lives. We've actually been together 11 years and knew each other for 15 years. Where does the time go?

I can say that I'm certain that I married the right person. Although he's not perfect - I'm definitely not - he's as good as I can imagine and sometimes I need to remind myself how lucky I am that he's willing to put up with me. Right before we got married, my mom asked him point blank: "Are you absolutely sure you can handle this brat? Believe me, it's not easy." Gee thanks, mom.

Now that we have the kid, things are kind of different. I feel like we're not us anymore. The days of drop everything and hit the movies or let's eat a quick dinner at the bar or let's lie in bed and watch tv until 3pm on a Saturday are over and now it's all about what's the baby doing, how's the baby feeling, what does the baby need right now. I'm still adjusting to the new way of life, but boy do I miss our old way. I feel like most normal people don't think this way - they feel like having this focal point is what's been missing in their life.

Anyway, we usually go out to a fancy restaurant for our anniversary. I think this year, we'll be ordering pizza. At least pizza is one of my favorite foods.